Wednesday, December 17, 2008

New Pictures






Seeing this picture almost makes me feel guilty for the post I left on my Facebook page awhile back wondering why they can't come up with Flinstones Chewable Valiums for Children®

Almost..

Sunday, December 7, 2008

John Redeux

Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay him down in the middle of the day and take unto himself strings of bloody miniature light bulbs (yea, more numerous are they than all the sands of the seas) to test, though his eyesight fail and his temper be rendered incandescent, that his offspring may decorate the tree.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Touching Father-Daughter Moment #147

So I’m in kitchen in the process of making Thanksgiving dinner. The turkey is in the oven and the pumpkin pie is cooling. Stuffing, green beans and gravy won’t need to be started for awhile yet. My helper Moiya and I are sharing some cocoa and I’m suddenly filled with paternal affection. I look at her fondly and say “You know what I’m thankful for at Thanksgiving?” She asks what and I say “You.”

Moiya thinks about this for a minute and replies “You know what I’m thankful for, Daddy?”

What, sweetheart?”

“Mommy.”

“Ah.”

(Sigh) “Ok.. and you.”

I love being a parent.

Lessons

If I had had the usual nine months to prepare for fatherhood instead of two days, I like to think that I’d have been somewhat better adapted to the strange new world in which I suddenly found myself. I might for instance have known what an “up-the-back” diaper was. I might not have needed sedation after the first time I cleaned poo off my child and my wife then patiently explained to me that I still needed to root through and cleanse my infant daughter’s ‘naughty bits’. I might have known that rubber nipples come in different sizes which you will have to know beforehand when purchasing them (though in truth, nothing could have prepared me for walking in on my wife and her mother discussing the need to boil their nipples).

But I really rather thought that after four years – until the onset of puberty at least – that I was now a seasoned professional and as such, somewhat more inured to such surprises.

But then, I had never painted nails before. My daughter would usually return from a weekend at Nana’s house sporting dainty pink-painted nails. But little girls being what they are (i.e. Like ferrets on speed) the polish never really tended to stay on for long. And the day finally came when Moiya wanted to know if Daddy could do her nails for her. Daddy, being a chump, said yes.

The following are a series of observations which I offer up for the benefit of the similarly innocent who come after me:


  1. Nail Polish: Nail polish comes in bottles the approximate size of an adult human’s thumb, which are constructed of glass so thick that you could drive a car over one without noticeable damage to the bottle. This results in an interior capacity of approximately 3 drops of actual fluid. There are 1,348,927 different shades of nail polish, of which 12,527 appear to be the exact same color to the unaided human (male) eye. Nail polish names are not permitted by law to in any way help differentiate or describe the contents of the bottle, so that “Frosty Plum Orchid” could be any shade from neon purple to jet black. And lastly, nail polish takes roughly 1000 man-hours to produce and is therefore priced only slightly higher by weight than gold.


  2. Movement: If a small girl turns her head to look at something, her foot will move, smacking your hand and sending a stripe of nail polish halfway across the upper portion of her foot. Small girls turn their heads to look at something approximately 32 times per minute. Due to a little-known quantum-level neuro-muscular connection that connects every portion of a child’s body to every other, her feet will also move if she speaks, points, blinks, or thinks. In fact, any bodily movement however small will set off a spasm of palsied movement on the foot scene. You have as much hope of doing this neatly as you have of putting little paper party hats on a litter of piglets, and your only chance of success lies with a drop cloth (large) and lots of masking tape.


  3. Scale: Oh .my. dear. LORD! Have you ever actually LOOKED at a child’s toenails? I mean, really looked at them as a paintable surface? They are the size of pins! Some of them are actually smaller than the nail polish brush you are attempting to paint them with!

Other than that, it's all pretty much a piece of cake.