Tuesday, May 1, 2012

More Moiyaisms

This is an oldie that I had forgotten until it resurfaced this morning during tickle-time.  The sensitive area directly behind your knee is called a “leg-pit.”

Really, Who Needs Television?

Since this past weekend Moiya and I had a Barbie Movie Marathon (seven Barbie movies in two days) AND it was Tangled’s birthday, it seemed a good time to catch up on things in our local Barbie family.

For a time everyone seemed to be hitting on Ken and his marital status changed daily. Some days he was married to Cupcake and other days to Stella. Some days they were his sisters. Some days Cupcake was his sister while also being married to him. For a time she was his sister and dating him WHILE he was married to Princessa and Stella.

Then we got some new players, (not Barbies…  any readily available doll gets moved into the narrative- though fortunately only the human ones try to date Ken) and the dynamic changed. 

Most recently Josie (5) and Katie (12) joined the family. One of these is a “Skipper” doll – who as I understand it is one of the little sisters in the Barbie franchise. I have no idea where the hell the other came from. We have Barbies, Skippers, Polly Pockets, ponies, unicorns, fairies, Littlest Pet Shop animals, and an assortment of Happy Meal figures gained over the years of Daddy not providing suitable nutrition, all crammed into the Barbie mansion.

The family gathers for Tangled's birthday.
Clockwise from center: Tangled,
Cupcake, Katie, Josie, Princessa, and Stella.
(Big John lurks in the background)
Originally Josie and Katie arrived at the Barbie mansion because they had been abandoned by their mother. Later they became Cupcake’s children (after briefly having been birthed by Stella). Ken got a little creeped out when the 12 year old Katie started flirting with him, but fortunately it didn’t last once she became his daughter.

Stella herself has since moved from being a spouse, to being the Aunt, to being “some girl who hangs around” (my favorite). Most recently she is another one of Ken’s daughters by Cupcake, and in any given narrative, she is always the bad girl who causes trouble.

So at present Ken and Cupcake are in a monogamous relationship (we had a wedding ceremony last week) and all the others are their children. There was a period of adjustment when Ken’s children kept calling him “Ken” and flirting with him, ( on being reminded of their changed status, Moiya would pause and mumble “uh.. forget I said that”) -  but everything seems settled now.

There have been lots of adventures. On one occasion Ken and Tangled (who was his sister at the time) were trapped in a haunted school and menaced by ghosts – who had magically padlocked all the doors. Ken’s faithful pet Pig (who can have amazing powers depending on need) arrived to save the day by battering down the doors with his head. And we’ve had lots of trips to the hospital for broken legs ever since Moiya decided that one of the Barbie boots looks like a cast (a bright pink cast, but a cast all the same).

And then there’s been… Big John.

Without warning, family members began to undergo radical personality changes: Pig began being mean to the other animals, and Princessa began being mean to everyone and disrespectful to her parents. All girls squabbled… or went into trances and began talking in weird voices. And no one could figure out the cause. At first it seemed as though it all went back to Stella, who was caught (repeatedly) casting spells on the others. No amount of pleading could dissuade her and despite her Mother’s intervention (Cupcake has powerful magical powers) somehow Stella always found a way to gain her powers back and would return to doing evil.

Then just as Ken and Cupcake began to despair for their daughter -- they had to shut her up in the horse barn  (a cardboard box from Aldi) as a safety measure – it emerged that Stella herself was the victim of a magical force which was causing her misbehavior. And the person casting the spell on Stella was..

(suspenseful music) Big John.

Big John is a tiny little plastic Happy Meal doll who comes up to Barbie’s hip, purportedly a Madame Alexander rendering of the Mad Hatter. He talks EXACTLY like Mister Bean, has immense magical powers, and appears mysteriously out of nowhere to cause evil for no very well-defined purpose before vanishing again.

I love Big John.

For a time, Big John was abetted by one of the three Fairies (another Happy Meal toy promoting the Barbie movie “Fairytopia”. I really need to upgrade our diet) who had gone rogue. But the fairies tend to police their own and she was dealt with. Big John was eventually banished. I’ve forgotten exactly how he was banished.. perhaps by the Unicorn Queen, who was the one who was able to magically detect that Stella was under Big John’s enchantment. Though I suspect he won't be gone for long.

Stella is still pretty naughty and has since been permanently locked in her room where she shouts and rants at the rest of the family (any resemblance to my daughter is purely coincidental, I'm sure). Fortunately her Mother is still able to limit her magical powers, and Tangled can fix most of the physical injuries that occur by draping her long hair (she is, after all, a Rapunzel doll) over the affected body part. Between them and the Unicorns, relative peace has returned to Barbie-land.

But my absolute favorite, surreal new character is the Giant Floating Baby.
Ken floating on GFB
That’s its formal name – Giant Floating Baby. Moiya noticed one of her baby dolls sitting in the rocker next to her bed and decided to work it into the narrative. One day it just came floating into existence like the Cheshire Cat and began talking to Ken, who was – understandably – terrified.

Ken’s fear was centered firstly on being addressed by a 15’ tall floating infant, and secondly on the logistics of changing a soiled 15’ tall floating infant. On being reassured by Giant Floating Baby that giant floating babies as a species don’t poop (or if they do, it's handled magically) Ken calmed down to the point that he agreed to take a ride on Giant Floating Baby. Unfortunately when poor Ken attempted to introduce Cupcake to his new friend, he found that the Giant Floating Baby is – much like Elwood P. Dowd’s Harvey – invisible to all but himself. (I guess that would make it a Giant Floating Invisible Baby)

So now Cupcake is faced with the possibility that her beloved is losing his mind. And while he floats serenely around looking over the landscape on his Invisible Giant Floating Baby, Ken surely wonders if she might not be right.

I identify so much with Ken.